The Revenge of the Pineapples

So, the Jedward bandwagon marches on once more and I, for one, am over the moon at this.

Shows like the X-Factor, and Pop Idol before it, have been systematically churning out identikit pop stars for so long, that I can’t remember the last Christmas number 1 that wasn’t Cowell produced. The sole purpose these shows seem to serve is to pump out a happy-smiley retard to make a quick bit of cash and who will have dropped from public consciousness by Easter.

Jedward provide an antidote to this. Yes, they’re still smiling retards (possibly more so that any who have come before them) but they are not your average X-Factor finalists, let alone winners. They can’t sing, at least not by any semblance of professional standards, and they struggle to dance, particularly in time with one another. They can’t even jump through a paper barrier without almost falling over.

They have divided opinion and have shown the public as the spoilt cry babies they truly are. Boo-hoo, Jedward are through instead of some other non-entity. Boo-hoo, it’s not fair. That’s democracy my friends, read it and weep. If you don’t like it exercise your vote and do something about it, don’t bitch to me via your whiny Facebook status.

Now, it’s taken a while for me to actually start enjoying this years X-Factor and to be honest, if Jedward had not been involved I probably still wouldn’t care. I’m not ashamed to say that I tend to watch X-Factor every year. Not because I care about the acts, because I don’t. But because I love the auditions and anyone who says they don’t enjoy watching a bunch of deluded cats anuses make monumental tits of themselves is clearly lying. Two words; Onka Judge. If you don’t remember him, type those words into YouTube and see what comes up.

Once the auditions are over and the sensible business starts, the appeal starts to wear off. However, I am bound by my wife to watch until the bitter end. I’m not convinced, but she tells me it was part of our wedding vows. The saving grace is that there are usually two or three acts left who have something about them. The so called ‘X-Factor’ that the show promises. This can make the show a little more bearable and worth staying in for. However, this year I can’t even say that. I can’t say that there is anything other than bland acts left, and that has been the case since day one. No-one stands out. No-one is special. No-one except Jedward, and for all the wrong reasons. Not because they are so good, but because they are so bad. Do you think they would have got so far if there was actually any decent talent left in the competition? No. They have got this far because of the lack of any credible alternative.

The X-Factor’s appeal is starting to wane. The cracks are starting to show and the public have noticed. They are guilty of producing so many identical acts over the years that it has become stale and boring. Jedward are the antithesis to this. The shot of drugs in the ball-bag that we have been craving for. Love them or hate them they are the only act that anyone has been talking about this year. The only act that the average person in the street could name. And, I expect come April next year, the only act anyone will remember.

So hats off to the grinning buffoons. They’ve taken so much abuse this year, from the judges and public alike, that most other acts would have run home crying to their mums. But they haven’t complained. Not once. They’ve come back week after week for more. So as far as I’m concerned, they deserve any success they get.

And whether they go out next week or make it to the final, you can guarantee that revenge will be sweet as their version of Ice Ice Baby sails to the Christmas number 1 spot. Hurray for Jedward.

I’m Not Gay, But My Boyfriend Is

Last week, a post on Twitter caught my eye. It went like this:

“Fucking hell, Maine. You shot down gay marriage? http://is.gd/4N4jk If someone told me I couldn’t marry the person I loved, I’d be pissed.”

The article referenced concerns a recent state vote in Maine, US, which could have effectively removed the law banning same sex marriages. A vote that ended with 53% of voters successfully appealing against removing the ban.

My initial reaction was one of surprise and disappointment. Surely in this day and age where we are encouraged to be as open and understanding of others as possible, even to the extent that our own rights often take a back seat, surely no-one would object to two people who love each other getting married, regardless of sexual orientation?

I decided to look into this further. In the article, as well as details on the Maine vote, it also indicated that California has recently held a similar vote with an identical result. That’s a straight two for two for the morally repressed. But wait, how many of the other 48 states have similar laws that ban same sex marriage? This may surprise you, I know it did me, but only five of the US states allow same sex marriage, and in these five states legislation has been amended to allow it. In contrast 31 states have in recent years put the gay marriage issue to the public vote and in each and every instance the vote has resulted in a ban. 31! All this from the so-called ‘land of the free’.

Now, I’m not an idiot. As sad as it is, I fully understand that there will always be prejudice against homosexuals. Nor do I think that this is a problem restricted to America. But I thought that we had progressed enough to realise that people are different in all walks of life, and that tolerance of others should be encouraged. But it seems like the good people of America are standing up and saying ‘fuck tolerance’. Not only are they saying that, but they are teaching their children that it’s OK to say it. Surely this isn’t right on any level?

With the storm and subsequent fall-out caused by the introduction of Proposition 8 in California in 2008, it would appear that the common argument against legalising gay marriage is that it might mean teaching it in schools. People don’t like this. But why not? Schools these days go out of their way to teach children about religions other than Christianity. We are all being encouraged to be more tolerant of people irrespective of age, sex and colour. In fact, there are laws in this country that not only support this, but that make it a criminal offence to discriminate on this basis. So why is it still OK to discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation?

Teaching children about gay relationships can only be a good thing, so what are the parents worried about? Are they scared that teaching their children that gay people exist will turn them gay themselves? But that in itself is a ludicrous thought. You can’t change someone’s sexual preference by suggestion. It’s not like getting them to try broccoli. I learnt about the World Wars when I was 11, but I don’t go around assassinating royalty or attending Nazi rallies.

Not only do I think that teaching same sex relationships in schools is a good thing, I think it is essential. The news is full of acts of hatred and violence against gay people based solely on the fact that they are gay. It seems to be the last bastion of the bigot. The only hate crime that is not classed as a hate crime. The only way to change this is through education. Making it legal for gay people to marry will not in itself change this, but by educating young people that gay couples exist, and that being gay is not wrong, or taboo, will hopefully be enough to make them question their parents when they preach against same sex relationships.

It makes me sad and ashamed that we still live in a world that discriminates against people on such a widespread and acceptable level. And don’t even get me started on the religious argument. If God could see us, he’d be turning in his grave.

Easy to Smile

I’ve always had this problem, and I’m sure I’m not the only one, but it does seem to put me at a disadvantage in social situations. The problem is that I don’t smile.

Now I’m sure this is not an uncommon problem. There must be thousands of people like me who also have trouble expressing their joy in a conventional way. My brothers and sisters in seeming misery. So why is it always me that finds myself in those awkward social situations?

It happened this weekend at a club. I was minding my own business having a chat with one of my normal smiling friends, when a girl walks past and says “Cheer up and give us a smile”. Hang on, just because I’m not smiling it doesn’t mean I’m not happy. I just choose to express my happiness differently. She goes on, “It could be worse”. What could be worse? I’M NOT UNHAPPY. In fact if there’s one thing guaranteed to ruin my mood, it’s someone accusing me of being in a bad mood.

Now, this happens quite a lot and the conversation is always pretty much the same. In my head it goes like this:

Her: Give us a smile, it’s not that bad
Me: Yeah, I get that a lot
Her: Really? So why don’t you smile more then?
Me: I may look miserable, but underneath this scowl I’m really interesting and fun
Her: Wow, you’re really deep and complex. Let’s party

But invariably it tends to go something like this:

Her: Give us a smile, it’s not that bad
Me: *forces creepy false smile*
Me: *mumbles something incoherent*
Me: *runs away*

This happens probably because I’m neither interesting or fun, but nonetheless I’m not unhappy. OK, so I used to dress in black a lot when I was younger, and I like bands traditionally considered depressing. But I don’t find Nick Cave or Leonard Cohen or The Smiths or The Cure remotely depressing. If I did I wouldn’t listen to them. I don’t take pleasure in making myself unnecessarily unhappy. To me they’re uplifting and inspiring. I have more trouble with your average teenybopper boy band and talent show one-hit-wonder. To me, that is truly depressing.

I guess I just have one of those faces. I don’t walk around under a black cartoon raincloud, and I’m not always full of doom and gloom. I JUST DON’T SMILE. And that’s the problem. So get off my back and leave me be. All I ask is that I am allowed to go out and have a good time, without having to look like I’m enjoying myself. Is that too much to ask? I don’t think so. If you can do that, you never know, you might just make me smile.